Book Launch Day! Now available

LTR_First Years-01

Letters to a Romantic: The First Years of Marriage Releases today! 

We are excited to announce that our latest book is now available. There are several stores that are beating Amazon in price and in shipping.

Several heavily discounted prices:

 

We would love for you to pick up a copy and pray that God would use this book to transform many marriages. We want couples in their first years (and final years!) to be filled with the love and joy of Jesus Christ.

Here are a few of the endorsements:

“Whether you consider yourself a ‘romantic’ or not, this book will strengthen every young marriage–and I can personally report that its wisdom is strengthening at least one older marriage, too!” —Alasdair Groves, Executive Director, Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation

“The early years of marriage can be some of the sweetest–and some of the hardest. This book is a gold mine for every young couple! . . . Do your marriage a huge favor and grab a copy of this helpful book.” —Kristen Clark and Bethany Beal, Cofounders, GirlDefined.com

“This book for newlyweds is needed and tremendously helpful. It contains timely challenges and encouragements as well as relevant instructions for people at every stage of marriage, though its material is especially relevant for newlyweds. Having been in ministry and having had the privilege of performing the premarital counseling as well as the weddings of numerous people over the past sixty-two years, I wish that this book had been available to give to all these couples as they began their marriages. Marriages that begin right are much more likely to continue right. And I highly recommend this book as a vital part of that good beginning.”

—Wayne Mack, Academic Head, Strengthening Ministries Training Institute; Director, Association of Certified Biblical Counselors—Africa

“This book wisely addresses the most significant challenges that many young Christian married couples face in a way that is both practical and biblical. My wife and I are eager to give this resource to the young husbands and wives whom we have been counseling. It is fun to read and would make a great couples’ devotional.”

—Jim Newheiser, Director of the Christian Counseling Program and Associate Professor of Christian Counseling and Pastoral Theology, Reformed Theological Seminary

“Sean and Spencer have hit another home run with their third in a series of important books meant to equip couples for the steps of their relationship from dating to marriage. While many books focus on marriage in general, Sean and Spencer have provided an eminently readable, thoroughly biblical, and altogether practical book for couples who are specifically in their first years of mar-riage. Brimming with wisdom and insight that they have gained from their pastoral and counseling experience, this resource will be one you will surely pass along to young married couples for years to come.”

—Jonathan D. Holmes, Founder and Executive Director, Fieldstone Counseling; Pastor of Counseling, Parkside Church, Chagrin Falls, Ohio; Author, Counsel for Couples: A Biblical and Practical Guide for Marriage Counseling

Leading Your Small Group in Confession

silhouette-of-people-during-sunset-1000444
by Andrew Morrell

The Masks We Wear

We are living in an unprecedented time in history when it is socially acceptable (and even mandated!) to walk into a bank with your face (and thus your identity) completely covered with a black mask. Even six months ago, such a choice of attire would have led everyone in the bank to suspect that you are a bank robber.

But while this is now the norm in our culture, we don’t want this to be the norm in our small groups. What I’m not talking about here is whether we should wear physical masks in our small group meetings. I’m talking about a different kind of mask. A kind of mask that is much easier to slip on without anyone noticing. A kind of mask that the Pharisees frequented. The kind of mask I’m talking about is the mask of false righteousness (Matt. 23:27-28).

One of Jesus’ main critiques of the “teachers of the law and Pharisees” is that they portrayed themselves to be clean and righteous on the outside while they concealed all kinds of uncleanness and wickedness on the inside. Most of us know this about the religious leaders of Jesus’ day and recognize that this hypocritical behavior was contrary to the ways of God’s kingdom. But might we be in danger of walking the same Pharisaical path in our own religious circles? Is it possible for us to be professional mask wearers among the people who should know us most?

Is Your Small Group Masked?

How often does your small group talk about sin? I’m not so much asking how often your group talks about sin in the abstract. I’m asking how often the individual members of your group talk about the sin that they are struggling within their own lives. When was the last time a member of your group shared about a specific sin that they have been struggling with that week? Maybe it would sound like this: “The sermon this week was really convicting. It really showed me how much I worship comfort – I run to my favorite TV show every night to escape from the stress I’m feeling from work.” How often does the conversation get real like that in your group?

How you answer this question is a good gauge for how masked your small group really is. Your answer to this question will tell you whether your small group has a culture of putting on face coverings of false righteousness.

Changing the Culture of your Group

In a healthy small group we are not looking for holy attire, but rather heart transformation. In our groups, we want people to be transformed from one degree of glory to another as they grow in their love for Jesus and one another (2 Cor. 3:18). But in order to get there, we need to calibrate the culture of our groups to the teaching of Scripture. In many places the Bible indicates that sanctification happens when we open ourselves up in vulnerability to God, his Word, and one another. Let’s consider just a few passages that teach this:

But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit (2 Cor. 3:18).

Notice the vulnerability this passage assumes. We are transformed from one degree of glory to another when we behold Jesus with unveiled face. When we gain this kind of raw exposure to Jesus, we change. Transformation happens when we come to Jesus with all the ugly sin our unveiled faces betray and behold him in all his beauty and grace.

For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do (Heb. 4:12-13).

There is no hiding from God and his Word. His living and active Word pierces into the innermost desires of our hearts and transforms them with power. Before him we are naked and exposed – he sees everything. But that is the best possible position for us, because like a skilled surgeon who decides to cut a little deeper to gain more visibility and make sure he gets the whole tumor, God is committed to cutting out every inch of the cancer of sin that plagues us.

Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much (James. 5:16).

God’s treatment plan for our sin-sick hearts consists of raw exposure to him, his Word, and one another. Sanctification will start happening in your small group when you unmask your sins, unburden your souls to one another, exhort and restore one another in a spirit of gentleness, and unleash the power of intercessory prayer into one another’s lives.

So how do you get there? How do you change the culture of your small group into a sin-confessing, grace-receiving, heart-transforming group?

The answer is simple: you lead. You lead your group in confessing sin.

You will be amazed at how the atmosphere of your small group will change if you humble yourself and become vulnerable and real with your group.

Let me offer you three practical ways that you can begin to lead your group in confessing sin:

  1. Model confession before your group. 

Begin to look for opportunities to be more transparent with your group about your own sin struggles.

When you are leading Bible or sermon discussions, don’t just think of yourself as the facilitator who asks questions and spits out Bible answers. Think of yourself as a member of the group. Look for opportunities to share how God used the sermon to convict you of sin. Get specific. Share examples of how the Bible passage you are discussing sheds light on a specific struggle in your thought life or a specific conflict in your marriage (with your spouse’s permission, of course!)

When you ask for prayer requests, ask the group to pray for you for a specific heart struggle that you are having – “I’ve been struggling with anxiety over the big work presentation I have next week. Would you all pray I would trust Jesus and seek his kingdom first this coming week?”

When you lead in sharing this way, others in the group will follow!

  1. Encourage confession among your group.

When you begin to lead in confessing sin before your group, others will follow. You may lead in this way for two months in a row before the next person is brave enough to open up, but remain faithful and the Lord will bless it. Whenever that next person does open up, shower them with encouragement. Thank them for being willing to open up in front of the group and respond graciously and gently to what they shared. Repeat sweet promises of Scripture for those who confess like 1 John 1:9 – “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

  1. Celebrate the growth that follows confession with your group.

As your group gets into a groove of confessing sin to one another, bearing one another’s burdens, praying for one another, exhorting and restoring one another, I will tell you what will happen: growth. Growth will happen. You will begin to see people gain victory over sin in ways they never thought possible. You will begin to see sanctification happen, slowly but surely, right before your eyes. You will begin to see people grow in their love for God and for one another. It will messy and uncomfortable and painful and awkward. And it will be glorious.

As you begin to see this growth happen in your group, celebrate it. When someone shares how much they have grown in a particular area of their lives, spend time praising and worshipping and glorifying God for that growth with your whole group. And as you continue to celebrate growth with your group, growth will continue to expand all the more among your group.

Demask Your Group!

So, brothers and sisters, demask your small group! Lead your group in confessing sin to one another, and watch God transform your group for the glory of his name and the good of his people!

Andrew Morrell is the Minister of Community and Discipleship at the Nocatee Campus of First Baptist Church Jacksonville. He is married to Kate and has two sons. 

I am Proud of John Powell

IMG_3598
By Sean Perron

Over 10 years ago, I was confused and tormented in my soul about how to understand God’s will for my life.

All the Christian cliques had failed me. Was I supposed to “Let go, and let God”? Was I supposed to find “the center of his will”, and how would I know when I found it? What if I was five degrees off the invisible bullseye? What if I didn’t have the “peace”, and what if I never got it? Should I put out a fleece or wait for a sign? I didn’t know up from down or even how to know the difference.

Throw into the mix my clunky, turbulent, and hopefully romantic pursue of Jenny. I was in need of discipleship and for someone to point me in the right direction.

Enter John Powell.

I was attending the same church as John, and he invited me and some other guys over to his house for a time of food, fellowship, and Bible study. I decided to go and drove out to their small, old house that he was fixing up. At the time, I didn’t realize that the next few months would change my life.

While Katherine made desserts, John walked me through Scripture and spent hours talking with me. He answered my questions and patiently waited for me to catch up to where he was directing me. He cleared the fog away from all those Christian cliques and taught me how to properly understand God’s will for my life. He taught me to delight myself in God and then actually do something. Those meetings in his creaky house with delicious treats charted a course to where I am today.

I loved the study we did so much that I sent a copy of it to Jenny. I said she had to read through it. Not too long after that, she flew into town, and I had her meet John and Katherine. And not too long after that, John was at our wedding in Tennessee smiling with joy.

John Powell was a gentle leader who took action under the authority of God. He didn’t wait around for others to act. He didn’t wait around to love. He didn’t wait around to wrestle problems to the ground. He believed God’s word, humbly submitted to it, and took initiative – like a man is supposed to do.

John was a man who invested in what matters. He taught me much more than just how to know God’s will for my life. He showed me (Philippians 4:9). Those times at his house showed me his deep love for his wife. I saw how he loved his children and led them with tenderness and purpose. I saw him work with his hands, think with his mind, and care from his heart. He wasn’t afraid to have hard conversations, but also wasn’t afraid to weep with those who weep.

Sunday morning as I was getting ready for church, I just happened to be thinking about John. I was recalling a meaningful note that he wrote me years ago. I was wondering what he thought about Spencer’s and my new book on the First Years of Marriage. I was thankful for him and the sweet providence of God using him in my life. And while serving at church, I got the news that he had been suddenly killed while helping someone else in danger.

“Shock and sorrow” are fitting words for that news. Shock that John is in heaven and no longer with us. Deep sorrow for his precious family.

But as shocking as the news is… it isn’t shocking that John would help others in need. It isn’t shocking that John would take action when no one else would or could. It isn’t shocking that John would love until the sudden end of his life.

The sorrow that comes with such news is fitting and deep. But a deeper sorrow would be if we didn’t learn from John’s life. John lived his life humbly taking action under the authority of God. He believed that only the blood of Jesus could save him from his sin and make him a new man. He believed that God calls everyone to trust in that gospel and that changed his life. He was a doer of the word and not just a hearer only (James 2:14-26).

After hearing the news, I came across this fitting prayer:

“O Lord, in whose hands are life and death, by whose power I am sustained, and by whose mercy I am spared, look down upon me with pity, Forgive me that I have until now so much neglected the duty which you have assigned to me, and suffered the days and hours of which I must give account to pass away without any endeavor to accomplish your will. Make me to remember, O God, that every day is your gift, and ought to be used according to your command. Grant me, therefore, so to repent of my negligence, that I may obtain mercy from you, and pass the time which you shall yet allow me in diligent performance of your commands, through Jesus Christ.” – Samuel Johnson (ESV Prayer Bible; Deuteronomy 8:11-20)

I am proud to know John Powell and even prouder that his life impacted mine. And it isn’t too late for his life to impact yours.

For information about the funeral and how to donate to his family, click here.

 

 

 

Top Books on Making Lifelong Disciples of Jesus

 

pexels-photo-1632790

Here are five book recommendations on the topic of discipleship:

  1. The Master Plan of Evangelism by Robert Coleman

I love this book because it is short, sweet, and centered on Jesus. The whole point of the book is to examine the principles Jesus used to make disciples and then implement them. It is provocative and powerful.

 

  1. Discipling by Mark Dever

This book covers the who, what, where, and how questions of discipleship. It is broad enough to benefit every Christian, but not too broad to be unhelpful. It is simultaneously encouraging and convicting. It is also a short read.

 

  1. Growing Up by Robby Gallaty

Growing Up is the one-stop-shop kind of book. It also has a built-in blue print for the future. You can take this book and turn the world upside down if you follow it. It lays out a succinct and systematic plan for how to make disciples. If you can only read one book on the topic, this is probably the one you should pick.

 

  1. The Trellis and the Vine by Colin Marshall and Tony Payne

It will change your whole view of church. It identifies problems that are hard to see until someone points them out. Once they are pointed out, it is like “Wow! How did I miss that?!” It gently identifies faults with typical practices, and offers better biblical ways of making disciples. I wish I had read it years ago. If you are a church leader, this is the book you should choose.

 

  1. The Pilgrim’s Progress by John Bunyan

The Pilgrim’s Progress is the best-selling English book in the world other than the Bible. Jenny and I are reading a small paragraph every night before bed. It is a discipleship book. I can’t think of an aspect of the Christian faith that it leaves out. It takes you through mountains, valleys, arrows, and treasures. The allegory is memorable and timeless. If you are a baby Christian, this book will bless you. If you are a seasoned Christian, you can visit it over and over again for insights. My main suggestion is that you get a modern English version. If you love the book already, then you will love these new commentaries that go along with it.

New Book | Letters to a Romantic: The First Years

 

ballpen-blank-desk-606541

We set out to write the Letters to a Romantic books because we saw an opportunity and need.

The opportunity struck us as we began to write regularly on dating, engagement, and romance. Dating and engagement is a unique season to be salt and light in the world.  Also, there were very few books we knew of that wrote briefly and practically using the perspective of a peer on these particular topics. 

The need we saw was for a resource on this season of life that was both committed to the sufficiency of Scripture and a radical alternative to the world’s emphasis in romantic relationships. We also saw a need for a resource that would not lay burdens on our brothers and sisters by advocating for a strict dating “method”. We sought to start a conversation, not have the whole conversation for couples.

With this same opportunity and need in mind, we’re thrilled to announce the beginning of a new project, the final installment in the Letters trilogy –  Letters to a Romantic: The First Years.

In this book, we plan to use our same brief and practical approach to address the topics that arise in the early years of marriage.

One difference with this book is we won’t be writing as those who have just come out of a season. Instead, we’ll be in it with our readers. This isn’t a book by experienced tour guides at the end of the journey; these are letters from the trail by fellow pilgrims. We believe that this can be uniquely helpful for those in the first years with us as we again seek to “start a conversation” that is committed to the sufficiency of God’s Word to navigate every twist and turn.

This book is slated to release in late 2019 with P&R publishing. With this in mind, we’re asking you to commit to praying for us in the following ways:

  1.    Pray for clarity of mind and an accurate handling of God’s Word. We know that unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain (Psalm 127:1-2). We are desperate for God’s Spirit to illuminate his Word to us, and to enable us to write in a helpful, clear, biblically faithful way.
  2.    Pray for productive times of writing. We are both in seasons of life that are much more full than when we wrote our last two books. We’re both fathers, working in ministry, and committed to caring for our families. Pray that the times we set aside to write will be productive and efficient.
  3.    Pray for fruit. Begin praying now that God would use these books as resources for young marriages, local churches, and wherever else they are used. We long, not first for our writing to have a wide reach, but a deep one – an influence that produces real fruit in the lives of our brothers and sisters in Christ.

Thank you for supporting our writing and this new season. If you have any questions you would like us to address or topic suggestions for us to consider as we are working on the project, please send us a note. We would love to hear from you.

Until then,

Spencer and Sean

 

Can you ask a girl out more than once?

Hey Sean,

    I like what you talk about in the book about being loving and doing all to the glory of God in terms of pursuing a relationship with someone. I also picked up that you were declined at least once to go on a date with your now wife. How do you persist as you did lovingly?  How does one do that lovingly? Gentlemanly? How did you do it? …. I have great pastors and access to sound wisdom from a myriad of other sources, but when you said your now wife turned you down, I really wanted to hear your thoughts.

Dear Romantic,

Thank you for your email. I am grateful for your humility and your desire to glorify the Lord in this situation. It is obvious that you are seeking him and want to be loving to this woman in your church. That is rare and I’m grateful for it.

You are also not alone in asking this question. Regarding my story, it is true that I asked Jenny more than 13 times to be in a relationship with me. But I must confess that my situation with Jenny is rather unusual. Jenny and I knew each other very well in high school and I didn’t pursue a relationship with her until after graduation. We had been in the same friend group and were together in numerous classes and extra-curricular activities. This is one of the reasons why I was so resolute after graduation. I knew that she was a godly woman and that I wanted to be in a romantic relationship with her. I had plenty of time to laugh, cry, hang out, and get to know her in a variety of settings over the course of three years.

After our first official date, I asked her to be in a relationship. I called it courting at the time. She thought about it for a little and then told me that she wanted to wait. I was going to Kentucky for school and she was going to Virginia. I knew that I had caught her off guard by asking her and that she wanted to focus on her bible studies and degree. Things were changing in our lives. I knew she was romantically interested in me, but the timing was off. She needed some space and I gave it to her.

Another interesting element to this whole matter is that we grew up in the same area. Each school break we would return home and be near each other. It was easy for me to ask her to visit and to check in on things. I would ask her to be in a relationship each time we were together and her answer was “No… not yet.” I was able to see that she was intentionally leaving the door open for me. She also allowed me to call her a few times a semester while she was at school and I would read biographies with her over the phone.

There was only one time that she told me that she didn’t want to be in a relationship at all and that was because she had just come back from a missions trip (was rather emotional) and decided she wanted to go overseas and knew I was going to be a pastor. That time was pivotal in our relationship and was actually really clarifying for both of us. That is a longer story and I can explain that later if it is helpful.

All of that to say… our situation wasn’t normal. I knew Jenny very well before asking her out on our first date and was able to know when she was putting down signals and when she wasn’t. I knew her friends and family very well. Jenny was allowing me to pursue her even though she was telling me that she didn’t want to be in a relationship at the moment.

When a girl says she doesn’t want to be in a relationship at the moment, it is typically because they are looking for a reason to turn a guy down gently. Spencer and I talk about this in our dating book and why it is best for a girl to be clear that romance isn’t on the table at all instead of using another reason to decline a date.

Regardless, I think the burden is on the guy (as a leader) to be able to discern what a woman means when she says “no.”

Here are some general thoughts I would offer:

  • Assume that when a girl says she isn’t interested right now that she means she isn’t interested in the relationship at all.
    • If she says she isn’t interested in the relationship right now, there must be an obvious signal coming from her that would give indication that she would want to be pursued in the future. With Jenny, she wanted me to call her. She looked forward to getting together each school break. She hinted that I should keep coming back later to ask her again. She asked me to pray about our relationship.
  • Don’t be afraid to let time and space enter into the relationship. If the girl is interested in you in the future, she will likely come back and give hints. She can find a way to be around you or have a girlfriend invite you over to her friend group for an event or something. Ruth and Boaz are a good example of this. Ruth found several ways to drop hints and signals to Boaz. Don’t try to force something and don’t be afraid to let time and space enter into the relationship. This will ensure that you are not too eager and it will give her time to decide further. This is also a good opportunity to trust Christ.
  • Don’t be afraid to ask for clarity if you think there is a real possibility that she might be interested. After allowing time and space, it is reasonable to ask for clarity. You can wait for an opportunity to talk with her in person and say “I know it has been a while since we talked last, but I would love another opportunity to take you out to coffee and get to know you more. I also know that last time you said that it wasn’t a good time to be in a relationship. I want to make sure that I honor you and I don’t want to put any pressure on you. Do you think now is a good season for us to go out to coffee? Or are you only seeking friendship in our relationship?” You can even acknowledge that these conversations can be awkward and you won’t be offended. You can always say, “I want to honor you as my spiritual sister. I thought the best way to do that was for me to tell you that I respect you, I’m thankful for you, and I want to let you know of my interest in asking you out. I won’t be offended if you aren’t interested in exploring the possibility of a romantic relationship. I want what you want and thought it would be best to ask you before assuming anything.”
  • Pray for wisdom (James 1). The Lord loves to give us wisdom and provide grace for all our dating awkwardness and mistakes.
  • Find some way to encourage her even if she turns you down again. Find one non awkward (and non romantic) way to encourage her as you would your sister after she says “no” again. If you don’t have a sister, think of ways you would encourage your mom. It could be like, “That is totally okay. I wanted clarity in order to honor you. Thank you for letting me know. As your brother in Christ, you should know that I really am thankful for your godly example at church and your joy in the Lord. I’m grateful to be church members and friends. Let me know if you need anything in the future and I will be praying for you. I’ll see you around next Sunday.” Or something like this!
  • If she turns you down again, for any reason, assume the door is slammed shut. Unless she takes initiative later or gives some obvious signal otherwise.

I hope this is helpful in some way. Thanks again for reaching out.

Regardless of what happens, I will pray for you that the Lord will cause his face to shine upon you and bless you and your ministry (Psalm 67).

Until then,

Sean

For more information on relationships and romance, check out Sean Perron and Spencer Harmon’s books Letters to a Romantic: On Dating and Letters to a Romantic: On Engagement, (P&R, 2017).

The Top 5 Books We Read This Year

pexels-photo-46274

By now you have probably scanned half a dozen “best of” lists. Writers, critics, and commentators typically release these lists to summarize what books, films, or stories made the biggest impact. We’d like to share with you just five books that impacted us this year. We share these books because we think they’re important and were personally helped by them in some way.

Happy reading!

Sean:

A Small Book about a Big Problem by Ed Welch

If you are like me, you probably don’t think you have anger problems. But you’re wrong. This book may look like a small fist, but it will knock the breath out of you.

If you are like me, you probably don’t think you have time to read another book. But you’re wrong. It is a 50-day devotional. The chapters are no more than 1 normal book page. You could read a chapter while brushing your teeth or while waiting for the microwave to warm your left over dinner. The only downside to this book is that it is a bit pricey. But no more expensive than the nice dinner that gave you left overs. Nothing to get angry about anyway.

I guarantee you that this book will help you walk more wisely. I have found it to be crippling and healing. It will bring peace to you and those around you. Above all, it will help you become more like our great God who is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

The New Living Translation “The One Year Bible”

For 2017 I decided to read through the NLT using the One Year Bible plan. I have never actually read through the entire Bible systematically in one year. Still haven’t! I made it 75% of the way in 2017 but stopped the Old Testament reading due to my Ph.D. work. Jenny read through the same plan in the ESV. We loved reading it together. We loved how it stretched us and kept us on track. Reading two different translations was enjoyable and allowed us to compare and contrast at times.

After becoming a Christian, I received a NKJV Study Bible and devoured it. After that, I consumed the original NIV. Today, the two translations I use the most are the ESV and the NASB. The NLT Translation has its pros and cons. I found it helpful during Old Testament narratives and the Proverbs. There were numerous times that I saw the Scripture better because of it. It does have its shortcomings in the Epistles and other places, but not enough to stop reading it. I’m going to stick with the ESV for personal devotions in the future, but I will keep the NLT handy for when I need a fresh translation to jumpstart my mind or heart.

Spencer:

The Warmth of Other Suns – Isabelle Wilkerson

My wife and I care how the gospel impacts racial reconciliation. We aren’t experts. We have a lot to learn. That led us last year to try to expose ourselves to literature, articles, and conversations that would aid us in getting small tastes of the complexities of the issues. The Warmth of Other Suns significantly impacted the way I now see racial issues in our country and the church.

Neither a political proposition nor a reaction to recent events, the power of this book resides in its narrative power. It traces the story of three African American “immigrants” who journey from the the southern lands of their parents or grandparents to start a new life in parts of the country promising greater freedom.

I’m convinced the best path toward racial reconciliation is for majority culture Christians to listen long to the voice of minorities around them. This book is a good doorway into those conversations. You won’t be the same.

Deep Work – Cal Newport

It’s been 18 months now since I became a bi-vocational pastor. I have learned that one of the main challenges of this type of ministry is not necessarily finding time for everything on my calendar, but being fully present for everything on my calendar. Deep Work by Cal Newport offers a vision for work and life the emphasizes depth in the areas most important to you to create real value in your area of influence.

I don’t know if Cal Newport is a Christian. But the thought that kept striking me was: if a non-Christian has this much zeal to use his time strategically to make a lasting impact in the world, how much more zeal should mark Christians?

I’m still working to implement some of his strategies (he recommends you quit social media!), but I think about this book almost every day after reading it. If you are in a job or ministry in which you are required to do most of your work through thinking and creating, you should read this book.

Delighting in the Trinity – Michael Reeves

There are very few books that I would give to non-Christians, new Christians, growing Christians, and mature Christians. This book is one of them. What makes Reeves’ book captivating (it’s rare to have a theology book that you consider a page turner!) is that the truths he writes about are truths that he obviously believes are beautiful and good. That’s why I would give this book to a non-Christian – I want them to be introduced to Jesus by someone who actually enjoys Jesus.

I needed this book this year. It reminded me of the beauty of the Triune God, and why his love for himself is good news for me and everyone else. If that statement intrigues you (God loves himself? That sounds strange…), and you wonder how that could be good news – and perhaps even news that changes your life – then pick up this book.

Less Impressed, More Influenced: Honoring My Mentor

10458999_10153346889154433_509669917205402472_o

I’m not original. Neither are you. Whether we like it or not, who we are is largely shaped by who we admire. We reverberate the voices we value most, a collage of influences that have shaped us over time.

This isn’t new. The Bible recognizes the power of others: wear the wisdom of parents like a necklace, says Solomon (Proverbs 1:8-9), and the surest way to victory is to surround yourself with counselors (Proverbs 15:22).

These truths bloomed for me in college and coalesced with the arrival of a person who shapes the way I live in almost every facet of my life today.

The “new guy in Student Life” attended a welcome back dinner for my college. I was 19, a sophomore, and in a small leadership position.  I don’t remember much about that first interaction, or about his first year at my school for that matter, except for two things of unequal importance: (1) things began to change at my school, and (2) he had a very redundant name – “Who names their kid Gunner Gundersen?!”

My knowledge of the new guy matured as our lives overlapped at the school.  He preached more, led more, and attended more events. Each time I sat under his influence, even at a distance, it shaped me. This regular impact from a distance led me to amble into his office one day and ask, “Can we spend regular time together?” That was almost seven years ago.

I can’t tell you how he invested in me. There was no organized program. We engaged in a intentional and providential immersion into each others lives. Eating, counseling, working, camping, teaching, worshipping, traveling, writing, walking, correcting.

The only pattern I’ve identified in Gunner’s investment was that it matured as I matured, and grew as I grew. It changed with me. There were three movements in his investment:

The Leader and Teacher

Gunner spent most of his time leading and teaching me at the beginning. He was either cleaning up my messes, or correcting my work. Then he would teach me how he took out my trash, let me ask questions, give me another shot, and made more corrections.  

During an opportunity to preach to a group of fellow students, Gunner looked at my preaching notes before my sermon and sent me detailed (painfully detailed!) feedback on my sermon manuscript. Then after the sermon he sent me a long email with encouragements and areas of growth.  

There are probably 100 other stories I could tell you about my mistakes, his corrections, and my consequent growth. His investment during this season was marked by quantity time, energy, and conversations.

The Mentor and Counselor

Don’t get the wrong picture. Gunner was not a pontificating sage while I silently took notes. To know Gunner is to be listened to – which gave this second movement of investment so much power.  

I remember very little of the millions of words Gunner spoke into my life. But one thing I remember very clearly: he always asked me questions.  As our relationship matured, I found the dynamic changing. Most of his investment started with one solitary question: “How do you think that went?”  

That question was a portal into worlds of wisdom. I took that girl (who is now my wife) to coffee – ”how did that go?” I went home for a weekend to see family – ”how did that go?” I was studying a topic for class – ”how is that going?” It wasn’t overly formal, and the conversations were often ad hoc things, happening in small crevices in our daily lives. Yet Gunner himself was always intentional, always listening, postured toward pursuit.

The Brother and Friend

One night I found Gunner sitting alone on campus. I joined him, and soon Gunner began describing how he was tired and discouraged. It wasn’t a “teachable moment” of strategized vulnerability. It wasn’t a testimony. It was confession. He shared a burden with me – from one friend to another. This was the last, and current, state of Gunner’s investment in me.

Conversations weren’t marked by him instructing me. He simply partnered with me in whatever thing we were doing. We talked about our families, our marriages, theology, parenting, and goals for the future. We shared burdens and received help. We shared ideas and sharpened each other. We laughed a lot and enjoyed our time.

Less Impressed, More Influenced

Over a year ago my Dad died suddenly. Gunner was the first person I called. And that call initiated a wave of care that could only be given by a brother. He mowed my grass, called and listened, and even drove 130 miles to sit with me for 20 minutes. He preached at my church while I was gone. It was an incredible moment of care.

About a year later Gunner – my teacher, mentor, and friend – moved to Texas to pastor a church. A few months before he left, we had lunch and reflected on our friendship. Gunner said to me, “You know, I would say that after all these years you are probably far less impressed by me than you once were, but also far more influenced.”  

He’s right. Actually, I’m far more influenced because I am less impressed by him. Gunner is a real person with real weaknesses and sin, and he invited me in to watch him in his gifts and deficiencies; joys and sorrows; victories and defeats; maturities and quirks. 

I’m not writing this to give you a list of practical ways you can invest like Gunner. This isn’t that type of article. It’s a public monument to one of the most impactful relationships I have. This is a monument to a leader, teacher, and brother who loved through intentional pursuit.  

Gunner once told me: “Most people won’t remember what you invested, but that you invested” This article is a tribute to that principle. Very few have shaped me like Gunner. But the curriculum of his investment wasn’t books and lectures. It was a persistent pressing into my life over time that left an indelible imprint.

That imprint, though embossed through Gunner, doesn’t look like him. It looks like Christ. That’s because his investment was translucent, allowing me to be less impressed with him so I could see through him to that truer Teacher, Mentor, and Friend – Jesus Christ.

For the sake of Christ, let us be less impressive and more influential.  


Spencer Harmon is the Senior Pastor at Vine Street Baptist Church and the co-author of Letters to a Romantic: On Dating and Letters to a Romantic: On Engagement(P&R, 2017).

Controversy Among Christians

controversy
by Sean Perron

I’m finally reading through the book Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. This book is a response to “evangelical feminism” and it is now in its third edition. It is one of those books that I bought years ago. You know, one of those books that you mentally reference, look at on the shelf, admire, want to read… but alas.

I have been convinced for many years with the basic premise and thesis of the book, but now am greatly benefitting from reading through it. Perhaps one of the most impressive aspects of the book is how the authors handle controversy among Christians.

There is no doubt that feminism, headship, submission, etc. are hot topics. Yet these scholars are winsome, kind, and convictional. Below is a section from the concluding chapter that I resonate with regarding how to think about unity vs. controversy. Perhaps you will also find it helpful when it comes to processing controversial issues among believers.

“Yet one of the groanings of this fallen age is controversy, and most painful of all, controversy with brothers and sisters in Christ. We resonate with the Apostle Paul – our joy would be full if we could all be ‘of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind’ (Philippians 2:2).

But for all his love of harmony and unity and peace, it is remarkable how many of Paul’s letters were written to correct fellow Christians.… The assumption of the entire New Testament is that we should strive for peace by striving to come to agreement in the truth. Peace and unity in the body of Christ are exceedingly precious… “The wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable” (James 3:17). But it is first pure. Peace is not a first thing. It is derivative. It comes from hearty agreement in truth….

For the sake of unity and peace, therefore, Paul labors to set the churches straight on numerous issues – including quite a few that do not in themselves involve heresy. He does not exclude controversy from his pastoral writing. And he does not limit his engagement in controversy to first-order doctrines, where heresy threatens. He is like a parent to his churches. Parents do not correct and discipline their children only for felonies. They long for their children to grow up into all the kindness and courtesy of mature adulthood. And since the fabric of truth is seamless, Paul knows that letting minor strands go on unraveling can eventually rend the whole garment….

The point is this: We do not love controversy; we love peace. We love our brothers and sisters who belong to Christians for Biblical Equality. We long for a common mind for the cause of Christ. But we are bound by our conscience and by the Word of God, for this very cause, to try to persuade the church that the vision of manhood and womanhood presented in this book is true and beautiful. It is a precious gift of God to the church and to the world.” (404-406, second edition)

 

Counseling Q&A

2017 ACBC Truth In Love Live from ACBC on Vimeo.

 

During the recent ACBC (Association of Certified Biblical Counselors) Annual Conference, I interviewed Dr. Heath Lambert about biblical counseling. Questions were submitted from all over the world. You can watch the interview or listen to it through the Truth in Love Podcast.

Below is a list of the questions asked during the interview:

6:55 “If the Bible is sufficient, then why do we have a bookstore at our conference?”

8:50: “Are there any benefits in psychology that we can use to help the heart restoration of our broken counselees?”

13:26: “In light of recent events, how is you talking about the differences between biblical counseling and integration not speaking the truth in love?”

19:28: “Seven years ago I was having what seemed like focal seizures. I was tested by two neurologists and was told there was nothing wrong with me. I sought counseling from a NANC counselor who recommended more Bible study and that I should search to relieve these symptoms. My seizure activity continued and with the improvement of technology and an impatient week at Dartmouth-Hitchcock hospital, it was found that I’ve had a brain tumor and a frontal lobe epilepsy deep in my brain. The scans confirmed and clearly showed the medical evidence. Here is my question or concern with your ministry: for seven years I was told that I did not need medication, but that this was a spiritual issue. How can you really know if something is medical or not? My experience has left me with bitterness for NANC counseling when it comes to what are perceived as “mental issues.” Please provide input as our church is considering being a part of your ministry and I have some deep concerns. I do appreciate your counseling ministry and have seen wise and fruitful results for many.”

26:24: “Where is the best place to start with a new church that is trying to start biblical counseling within their church?” And we had another question that’s similar: “How do you introduce biblical counseling to a church?”

29:36: “Do you feel that promoting certification creates an unnecessary bar for people who want to help other people by making them feel like they are not competent to counsel unless they have received extensive training?”

36:14: “What are some, if any, differences between ACBC and CCEF?”

38:39: “What is the role of women in biblical counseling?”

44:56: “Do you think there is a time for separation in marriage other than when there is imminent danger (i.e. emotional abuse, sexual addiction, etc.) and what would be your biblical defense for your position? If your answer is no, how would you suggest a woman can be best shepherded when extreme cases arise and there is much to sort out but there is not physical violence?”

51:02: Why would ACBC or the Bible not be supportive of trying to go and dig up suppressed memories? And if the person can’t remember abuse, they need to try to figure out how can they be healed.”

53:46: “How can we discern whether someone suffering from a transgender identity (gender dysphoria) is struggling with mental illness, a physical disorder between the brain and the body present since birth, or a spiritual identity issue? These seem like real possibilities to me.”

59:15: “What is the theme of next year’s conference?”