Weakness and Winning the Lottery

Updates

• Since my last blog, much has transpired. I received high-intensity chemo (Boy! They were not kidding. I didn’t realize fully how intense it would be!) and a stem-cell transplant. During the transplant, my vital signs plummeted; my body went into septic shock and I developed double pneumonia.
• I was in the ICU for four days and have been slowly regaining my strength since then. I can now walk about 500 feet before becoming completely winded. I’ve never felt weaker in my entire life, but each day I grow a bit stronger.
• I’m grateful to be able to type this without pain, as I previously experienced intense chemo burns on my hands from the treatment.

Prayer Requests and Praises

• One of my nurses told me I should “buy a lottery ticket” when I recover, because I’m so lucky to be alive. I have no plans to gamble, but I praise God for sustaining my life. I was disoriented during the worst of it and didn’t fully grasp the gravity of my situation, yet God preserved me even when I didn’t realize how much danger I was in.
• I am still very weak. Yesterday I walked with physical therapy and afterward was too exhausted to eat dinner, even though I wanted to so badly. Please pray that God would strengthen me each day.

Blessed is the one who considers the poor!
In the day of trouble the LORD delivers him;
the LORD protects him and keeps him alive;
he is called blessed in the land;
you do not give him up to the will of his enemies.
The LORD sustains him on his sickbed;
in his illness you restore him to full health. (Psalm 41:1–3)

What I Am Learning

I couldn’t use my hands because of the pain, and I couldn’t eat due to mouth sores from the chemo. I couldn’t walk or use the restroom on my own. I needed help in every way—and I still need constant assistance as I work to regain my strength. This is a time when I am utterly dependent physically.

In these moments, I must call upon the Lord for help and strength. It’s a strange and disconcerting feeling to want to do something but be physically unable. To desire food but not have the strength to eat is difficult. But even though my body is weak, the Lord remains the same. He is still lovely. He has not left me. This is a time to call upon Him afresh.

“Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”
The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah
— Psalm 46:10–11

What Has Been Encouraging

• Jenny and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary on May 12th. I joked with the ICU staff that I had booked the most expensive hotel possible to celebrate our anniversary.It’s hard to express how essential Jenny has been to my healing process. She has read me the Psalms when I’ve been afraid, advocated for me when I could not speak, and even cleared massive amounts of mucus from my throat when I was choking in the middle of the night. She has cared for me consistently, kindly, and with complete devotion.
• She has been my companion in sickness and in health. You could say I won the lottery, but it would be a lie. The Lord has shown me immense favor. I love her so much. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing,” but he who found Jenny did even better! Praise the Lord! (Proverbs 18:22)