Author: unspokenblog

Letters to a Young Engaged Man: Sweep it Under the Sofa

Dear Young Engaged Man,

You would not believe the ridiculous stories I have heard.  Young couples are arguing over absurd and trite issues. There are couples receiving marriage counseling over where their furniture should be positioned in their home. These things ought not be.

But before we cast the first cushion at the sofa sinners, let us examine our own hearts. We are not far from ruining everything. Sin is deceitful and literally insane.  We must be watchful that we do not find ourselves quarreling over insignificant matters. If it is small, sweep it under the sofa.

Let her pick out the colors of the wedding. Let her outline the ceremony the way she desires.  Purpose now in your heart to relinquish any of your cultural idols for her sake. If you start now, you will love your wife better in the future. You will be happy to let her organize the cabinets according to how she was raised.

Does this stab at your manhood or belittle your headship? Do not be so proud.  May we learn to let go of the petty things in this life. The Bible demands even more:

“To have lawsuits at all with one another is already a defeat for you. Why not rather suffer wrong? Why not rather be defrauded? But you yourselves wrong and defraud – even your own brothers!” (1 Corinthians 6:7-8)

If you should stay out of court with your brother and instead take a monetary hit and a social loss, how much more should you allow your fiancée to have her preferences?

Do not do these things for her as a “favor”. Nor view her as needy or in need of sympathy. This is not about her needs or your needs. This is about our need to love like Jesus.  Beware of the back scratching heart. Do not scratch her back so that she will scratch yours. Jesus did not bear the cross on his back in order that we would coddle him later. His love had no alterior motive and neither should ours.

A true leader genuinely considers the interests of others better than himself.  Let us strive to be like Christ. May God give you grace to love her by letting go of petty preferences.

Until then,
Sean

What the Demons Taught Me (part 1)

C.S. Lewis’ The Screwtape Letters has functioned in my life as a mirror to my soul.  So many times upon picking up the book I have had “Ah ha!” moments in which I discover a new insight on how spiritual warfare plays into my daily living – areas in which seem to me to be so “unspiritual”  I hope some of these lessons will encourage you as you follow Christ today.

1.)  Don’t Seek Feelings, Seek the Lord

While advising Wormwood on how to keep his man from praying, Screwtape says, “Teach them to estimate the value of each prayer by their success in producing the desired feeling…” (17).  The fountain of my spiritual feelings ebbs and flows.  To base the effectiveness or the frequency of my prayers on these feelings is detrimental to praying with confidence that God hears me.  We ought to seek the Lord’s face in prayer, and not some ideal fleeting feeling that will not always console us.  Pray through the night, even if it seems you are praying to an empty sky.

2.)  Even When You Are Doubting God, Obey  Him

This is perhaps one of the most famous quotes out of The Screwtape Letters, and hangs on many refrigerators wherever the book is cherished.  Screwtape warns Wormwood that, “Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy’s will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys” (40).  Obedience is the medicine of the soul who is sick.  Disobedience in times of doubting and spiritual dryness is one of Satan’s great weapons to keep the Christian in the feedback loop of despair and away from our Father’s best.  Even when you feel like doing nothing, be obedient.  Trust your Father.

3.)  Don’t Dress Up Your Sin In Humor

Screwtape counsels Wormwood that, “A thousand bawdy, or even blasphemous, jokes do not help towards a man’s damnation so much as his discovery that almost anything he wants to do can be done, not only without the disapproval but with the admiration of his fellows, if only it can get itself treated as a Joke” (56).  The weightiness of sin becomes as light as a feather when laughed about for long enough.  If I find my sin becomes a joke, my sin may become reality.  Sin should be dealt with in tears and repentance, not laughter and and hand waving.

Letter To A Young Engaged Man: The Marriage Bed

Dear Young Engaged Man,

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes sex.

I am frustrated by most churches who neglect this topic and do the body of Christ great harm. Simultaneously, I am frustrated with other churches who are explicit with sex and talk about it in very unhelpful ways; nevertheless, Jesus wants Christians to think biblically about this topic.  Many things could be said here but I want to focus on the attitude that should shape the way we view sex.

The gospel has no bounds and is not privy to categories of “public” or “private.” Jesus is the God of the living room and of the bed room. God will not let you be selfish in any area, including your most intimate endeavors. Our sex drive should be selfless. Your pleasure must be rooted in God and in bringing your spouse pleasure.

On your wedding night and then every night after, your mind should be that of Christ Jesus, who, although being in the form of God did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking on the very nature of a servant (Philippians 2:5-7). Before lying down in bed with your wife, you must be willing to lay your life down for her.  We need the grace of Jesus to do this.

The Christian must not do anything out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. The marriage bed must remain undefiled by lust and selfishness.  This is why only Christians can have truly satisfying sex. Only the Christian couple can find their delight in selfless service. It is only the Christian husband or wife who can satisfy both their body and heart in the marriage bed.

Remember to love your neighbor as yourself, especially the one who will sleep next to you. Settle it in your heart now to make your marital bliss complete by being selfless. Purpose to do whatever you do, whether you eat, drink, or have sex, to do it all for the glory of God.

Until then,
Sean

Letters To A Young Engaged Man: A Wedding is a Community Event

Dear Young Engaged Man,

“Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor.” 1 Corinthians 10:24

As my wedding approached, the amount of generosity my friends and family showed my wife and I was overwhelming.  You would not believe some of the stories: A couple of my friends came over one evening to cook for me while another friend feverishly moved my fiancées possessions into our future home; other friends poured out the love of Christ by addressing wedding invitations, wrapping party favors, and compiling power points; parents shopped for us, planned for us, and provided for us all along the way. Every hole was patched and every loose end was tied by the love and affection of our neighbors. I cannot tell you of all the instances of kindness we experienced.

The climax of this relentless hospitality was during the few days before the ceremony.  Over and over again the words “what can I do next?” graciously found their way to us.  Some did not even ask because they had already thought of projects to tackle.

A wedding is truly a community event. Our brothers and sisters washed our feet with joyful smiles and reflected a deep love for Christ and His bride.

What is hospitality?  Jeff Dalrymple often summarizes hospitality as anticipating the needs of others. This is an excellent definition. Anticipating the needs of others and joyfully meeting them for the glory of Christ.  What separates secular hospitality from Christian hospitality? Genuine joy.  Our wedding party exhibited a deep fountain in Jesus which overflowed into the basins where they placed our feet. Our family had their finger on our pulses to continually check our needs and meet them.  Their example is a letter about hospitality that continues to be circulated.

May we emulate them as they emulate Christ.

Until then,
Sean

Stop Being True To Yourself

Should you be true to yourself?  When I was a child, I remember hearing this pumped through movies, music, and even sentimental old folks giving me sagely wisdom when I told them what I wanted to be when I grew up.  As a 20-something living in the American culture, there is a whole lot of fuss going around about being true to yourself, following your heart, and doing what “feels” best.  So, here’s two reasons you should stop being true to yourself:

1.)  You were made to be true to Another

You are wired as a human being to be true to Another in order to be true to yourself.  Ultimately, you were made to forget about yourself, and to find your identity by losing it in something far greater than yourself.  This is how you were made; this is how you were designed.  Why would someone think that homosexuality is wrong, or that it is a good thing to stay pure before they are married, or to not plan on getting slammed this Friday at the nearest party?  Because they don’t buy the idea that their fundamental priority should be being true to their self.  Rather, the ultimate aim and goal is to be true to Another, and find satisfaction in Him.

2.)  You were made for transformation, not stagnation  

All humans are born as broken, dead beings in a shattered, graveyard world.  The Bible teaches that humans are born thinking, acting, and feeling in wrong and sinful ways.  Our fundamental disposition coming into the world is incredibly flawed.  The Bible presents an idea of humanity as being in need of not stagnation, but transformation; not continuing in the old, but putting on the new; not in rejoicing in evil, but turning from it.  Human beings can change, not by self-help, do-it-yourself improvement plans, but by supernatural repentance and faith in Jesus, who calls all humans everywhere to turn from being true to their self to be true to him.

So, stop being true to yourself.  You will never find satisfaction in appeasing all of the titillating inclinations of your mind and body.  Instead, turn from your sins and put your trust in Jesus.  Find your identity outside of yourself.  Lose your life, and you will find it in Him.

“Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in”  C.S. Lewis

 

Spencer Harmon

An Exercise in Talking To Yourself

Hey Self!

This morning you woke up again with that pit in your stomach.  Nervous, anxious energy greeted you out of  bed with a cold handshake.  You tried to remind yourself of the gospel to raise your spirits, but you didn’t feel any better.  You felt a little relief as you diverted your attention with answering some emails and doing a few other busying things, but soon after, anxiety was waiting to greet you again.

Now you have sat down to read and pray.  You are approaching the God of the universe for communion with Him.  I just want to remind you that all the anxieties you have today are not true things.  Don’t get me wrong, the feelings and situations are real, but to allow them to discourage you so deeply would be to live as though the gospel were not true.  But it is true.  This morning, God really is for you (Romans 8:31) and he really does delight in hearing and answering your prayers.  All of God’s wrath and anger on your sin was experienced by Jesus when he died on the cross for you.  So now you can fight anxiety as a free man who does not have to obey its wishes.  So, the next time you hear lies, talk truth back – even if you are not feeling it.  God’s Word is alive and it is active (Hebrews 4:12) and it can cut through all the lies that would try to have you believe your feelings more than you believe in the loving care of your Father.

So, I just wanted to remind you that you have a Father that loves you and is not against you and will fill you with His Spirit today.

All His best.

Signed,

Self.

Spencer Harmon

Letters To a Young Engaged Man: One Day Closer

Dear Young Engaged Man,You are one day closer to marriage and you are one day closer to the return of Jesus.There is a link between these two things: Just as you long to be with your bride in an unhindered and unrestrained way, you should long to be with your Savior free from sin and unrestrained by the flesh.  Just as you have waited all these years for your wedding day and life together, I pray you have waited all of these years to behold the face of Jesus and spend eternity together.  Your bride is going to walk down the aisle to meet you – the one who loves her and has longed for her.  Jesus is going to descend from the sky to meet those who have loved him and awaited his return.

Many times at the beginning of engagement people asked me, “What day are you thinking about getting married?” I would respond “tomorrow” or “yesterday.” I assume you are like me and can hardly wait.  Towards the end of engagement people have cheerfully asked, “Are you excited?”
This question became wonderfully foolish because the answer was so obvious. I assume the same will be for you.

Brother, I do not say this to be overly spiritual or to sound puritan. The only thing more exciting than the upcoming wedding day is the return of Jesus.  I say that because Jesus has been kind to my heart and I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. His steadfast love is better than marriage.

Now you might be tempted to think, “If Jesus comes back before I am married, then will I have missed out?” Or you might be tempted to feel depressed that you did not get to experience the joy, friendship, or intimacy of marriage.  Take heart. “Nothing is lost. The music of every pleasure is transposed into an infinitely higher key.” (This Momentary Marriage, pg. 15)  Or to think of it visually, we would never trade a person for a photo.

Marriage is simply a picture of the person and work of Jesus Christ; marriage is only a mirror that reflects the relationship of Jesus and His bride; marriage is merely a good gift to glorify a satisfying God.  Enjoy marriage, but only as it submits the the supreme pleasure of knowing God.  For now we see in a mirror dimly, but soon we shall see face to face.

Until then,
Sean

How To Be a Biblical Groomsman

Now a discussion arose between some of John’s disciples and a Jew over purification.  And they came to John and said to him, “Rabbi, he who was with you across the Jordan, to whom you bore witness—look, he is baptizing, and all are going to him.”  John answered, “A person cannot receive even one thing unless it is given him from heaven.  You yourselves bear me witness, that I said, ‘I am not the Christ, but I have been sent before him.’ The one who has the bride is the bridegroom. The friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom’s voice. Therefore this joy of mine is now complete. He must increase, but I must decrease.
John 3:25-30     

Being a groomsman has sacred significance.  The bride and groom are asking you to be witnesses of a covenant before God and to hold them accountable to it.  So, how can you glorify God and love the groom while being a part of his wedding party?

  1. Be grateful
    As John thinks about his ministry success preparing the way for Christ, he does not seek to keep it; rather, he acknowledges that his ministry was a gift from God.  In the same way, groomsmen ought to recognize the gift that their dear brother has been to them, and thank God for it joyfully.  Don’t spend the bachelor party, rehearsal dinner, and wedding thinking about how you’re losing a friend to marriage; instead, rejoice for the gift of friendship.
  2.  Step to the side 
    In the same way that John recognized that, “The one who has the bride is the bridegroom” we ought to recognize that this marriage is not about us.  Rather, we should spend our time before, during, and after the wedding lifting up the meaning of marriage.  In the dressing room before the wedding let the stories of good times and belly laughs abound, but our primary role is to remind the groom of Christ and  highlight the weight of marriage.
  3.  Let his joy be your joy
    John says that he, “rejoices greatly at the bridegrooms voice.  Therefore, this joy of mine is complete”  In the same way, let the tears fill your eyes when your brother sees his bride for the first time walking down that aisle and his jaw drops a bit.  He is not thinking about you.  As a matter of fact, he probably has forgotten that you exist.  He is loving his bride.  His heart is filling with joy.  And as his heart fills with joy, yours should as well.

It is our great joy to share in one of the clearest human expressions of the gospel outside of the spoken word.  Let the weight of standing to the side hit us; and let us all – groomsmen, bridesmaids, bride and groom – decrease so that He may increase.

 

Spencer Harmon

Letters To A Young Engaged Man: Love Her Invisible Pearls

Here is my guess:  she struggles with insecurity about her physical beauty and you struggle with dwelling too much on her physical beauty.  She doesn’t think her outward appearance is enough and you have thought about it enough.

How do you help her realize she has value and how do you balance out your thoughts to think purely?

  1. Remind her that she is beautiful because she is made in the image of God. 
    Before brushing over this, we must let this reality sink in. God does not make trash. If you scoff at his art, you insult him. This truth is not just a nice saying to make unattractive people feel better about themselves. God says he created man in his image and this reality is not to become trite in our minds. There is a real, holy, stunning level in which your fiancee is unwaveringly beautiful because she reflects God. Even if she is marred by third degree burns or ransacked by acne, this reality does not move. Every day her image pours forth speech of the handiwork of God. Christ has made a personal claim regarding the incredible crafting of his creation.
  2. Remind yourself of the hidden image of God made possible in Christ. 
    It is good to tell your fiancee that she is pretty, but do not miss out on the thrill of praising her hidden person. Physical appearance is fleeting but there is an imperishable beauty that only gets better. If she is growing in faith, fearlessness, gentleness, holy submission, and compassion, make it a point to praise these ornaments. The fruit of the Spirit has a sweetness that will never sour. Dwell on her godly character and attach your heart to it!  Ask the Lord to give you eyes to behold true beauty. Beg him to give you grace to truly appreciate the grace he has given her. Make it top priority to value, treasure, and be drawn to her godly character. Her inner heart is a gorgeous glimpse of God.

Outward beauty is wonderfully fleeting. As she gets older, every wrinkle will help accent the eternal radiance found in her heart. And the best kept secret is, the more you cultivate an attraction for her godly character, it is likely the more fruit she will produce.  Do not miss out on enjoying the realities that will never perish.

Remember, remind her that she is made in the image of God and then encourage her to continue looking more like Christ in godly character.

Look hard and love her invisible pearls. They are formed perfectly by the oyster of the gospel.

Until then,

Sean

Reflections on Heroes

I used to be that kid.

It’s the kid at the concert who is obsessed with the band.  It’s the over zealous sports junky rattling off the statistics.  It’s the impassioned believer listening to three podcasts a day of his favorite preacher.  I loved my heroes.

Of all these things have something in common:  admiration of heroes.

However, if you are anything like me, this can get out of hand really quickly.  Our heroes become unrealistic, air-brushed, plastic, over venerated saints that will fail our unrealistic expectations.  What does this do to us as believers in Jesus?

  1. It demands too much of our heroes and refuses to recognize them as sinners.  Much of the time, we elevate our heroes to such high places that when they stumble, we are appalled and give them much more grief than they need.  We slander their names privately to our friends, “Did you hear about…?  Someone told me that he was a jerk in real life…”  Instead of dealing with our leaders in gentleness, we impose standards that we would label as unmerciful if imposed on us.  Our heroes are sinners, and sinners sin.  We would do well to keep this in mind.
  2. It demands too much of those who work in the same arena, but are not as popular or gifted.  Some people are just flat-out gifted and can communicate with ease at moments notice; some people are incredible hard workers and have to prepare for days for a 15 minutes sermon.  To scoff at the nervous preacher, the mediocre (but faithful) worship leader, or the not-so-theologically nuanced friend lacks grace, patience, and compassion.  To compare our friends and local leaders with these men can be detrimental to community, and is fertile soil for unhealthy suspicion of good and faithful servants of Jesus.
  3. It communicates that Christian maturity must have a certain style or appearance.  Not long ago, my pastor made the statement that, “Christian maturity is diverse.”  This is a helpful thought to keep in mind as we interact with our friends and local leaders on a daily basis.  Your pastor does not have to carry himself like your favorite preacher to be a godly, spirit-filled preacher of God’s word.  Your girlfriend does not have to talk like Elisabeth Elliot in order to passionately pursue purity in dating.  God made people with unique personalities to reflect his own artistic flare and creativity.  Let him receive glory by growing all different sorts of people into Christ likeness – bringing all of their personality quirks, oddities, and altogether wonderful flavors of temperament with them.  Learn to appreciate personality instead of comparing it to your own preference.

I love my heroes.  I cannot tell you the impact men like C.S. Lewis, Ravi Zacharias, and John Piper have had on my life.  But I am not them; and I shouldn’t expect myself be.  Heroes are more like signposts, lining the way as we focus on Jesus, “the founder and perfecter of our faith” (Hebrews 12:2)

“As saints of old still line the way
Retelling triumphs of His grace
We hear their calls and hunger for the day
When with Christ we stand in glory”
-Keith Getty & Stewart Townsend