Dear Young Engaged Man,
You would not believe the ridiculous stories I have heard. Young couples are arguing over absurd and trite issues. There are couples receiving marriage counseling over where their furniture should be positioned in their home. These things ought not be.
But before we cast the first cushion at the sofa sinners, let us examine our own hearts. We are not far from ruining everything. Sin is deceitful and literally insane. We must be watchful that we do not find ourselves quarreling over insignificant matters. If it is small, sweep it under the sofa.
Let her pick out the colors of the wedding. Let her outline the ceremony the way she desires. Purpose now in your heart to relinquish any of your cultural idols for her sake. If you start now, you will love your wife better in the future. You will be happy to let her organize the cabinets according to how she was raised.
Does this stab at your manhood or belittle your headship? Do not be so proud. May we learn to let go of the petty things in this life. The Bible demands even more:
“To have lawsuits at all with one another is already a defeat for you. Why not rather suffer wrong? Why not rather be defrauded? But you yourselves wrong and defraud – even your own brothers!” (1 Corinthians 6:7-8)
If you should stay out of court with your brother and instead take a monetary hit and a social loss, how much more should you allow your fiancée to have her preferences?
Do not do these things for her as a “favor”. Nor view her as needy or in need of sympathy. This is not about her needs or your needs. This is about our need to love like Jesus. Beware of the back scratching heart. Do not scratch her back so that she will scratch yours. Jesus did not bear the cross on his back in order that we would coddle him later. His love had no alterior motive and neither should ours.
A true leader genuinely considers the interests of others better than himself. Let us strive to be like Christ. May God give you grace to love her by letting go of petty preferences.
Dear Young Engaged Man,
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes sex.
I am frustrated by most churches who neglect this topic and do the body of Christ great harm. Simultaneously, I am frustrated with other churches who are explicit with sex and talk about it in very unhelpful ways; nevertheless, Jesus wants Christians to think biblically about this topic. Many things could be said here but I want to focus on the attitude that should shape the way we view sex.
The gospel has no bounds and is not privy to categories of “public” or “private.” Jesus is the God of the living room and of the bed room. God will not let you be selfish in any area, including your most intimate endeavors. Our sex drive should be selfless. Your pleasure must be rooted in God and in bringing your spouse pleasure.
On your wedding night and then every night after, your mind should be that of Christ Jesus, who, although being in the form of God did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking on the very nature of a servant (Philippians 2:5-7). Before lying down in bed with your wife, you must be willing to lay your life down for her. We need the grace of Jesus to do this.
The Christian must not do anything out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. The marriage bed must remain undefiled by lust and selfishness. This is why only Christians can have truly satisfying sex. Only the Christian couple can find their delight in selfless service. It is only the Christian husband or wife who can satisfy both their body and heart in the marriage bed.
Remember to love your neighbor as yourself, especially the one who will sleep next to you. Settle it in your heart now to make your marital bliss complete by being selfless. Purpose to do whatever you do, whether you eat, drink, or have sex, to do it all for the glory of God.
Dear Young Engaged Man,
“Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor.” 1 Corinthians 10:24
As my wedding approached, the amount of generosity my friends and family showed my wife and I was overwhelming. You would not believe some of the stories: A couple of my friends came over one evening to cook for me while another friend feverishly moved my fiancées possessions into our future home; other friends poured out the love of Christ by addressing wedding invitations, wrapping party favors, and compiling power points; parents shopped for us, planned for us, and provided for us all along the way. Every hole was patched and every loose end was tied by the love and affection of our neighbors. I cannot tell you of all the instances of kindness we experienced.
The climax of this relentless hospitality was during the few days before the ceremony. Over and over again the words “what can I do next?” graciously found their way to us. Some did not even ask because they had already thought of projects to tackle.
A wedding is truly a community event. Our brothers and sisters washed our feet with joyful smiles and reflected a deep love for Christ and His bride.
What is hospitality? Jeff Dalrymple often summarizes hospitality as anticipating the needs of others. This is an excellent definition. Anticipating the needs of others and joyfully meeting them for the glory of Christ. What separates secular hospitality from Christian hospitality? Genuine joy. Our wedding party exhibited a deep fountain in Jesus which overflowed into the basins where they placed our feet. Our family had their finger on our pulses to continually check our needs and meet them. Their example is a letter about hospitality that continues to be circulated.
May we emulate them as they emulate Christ.
Here is my guess: she struggles with insecurity about her physical beauty and you struggle with dwelling too much on her physical beauty. She doesn’t think her outward appearance is enough and you have thought about it enough.
How do you help her realize she has value and how do you balance out your thoughts to think purely?
- Remind her that she is beautiful because she is made in the image of God.
Before brushing over this, we must let this reality sink in. God does not make trash. If you scoff at his art, you insult him. This truth is not just a nice saying to make unattractive people feel better about themselves. God says he created man in his image and this reality is not to become trite in our minds. There is a real, holy, stunning level in which your fiancee is unwaveringly beautiful because she reflects God. Even if she is marred by third degree burns or ransacked by acne, this reality does not move. Every day her image pours forth speech of the handiwork of God. Christ has made a personal claim regarding the incredible crafting of his creation.
- Remind yourself of the hidden image of God made possible in Christ.
It is good to tell your fiancee that she is pretty, but do not miss out on the thrill of praising her hidden person. Physical appearance is fleeting but there is an imperishable beauty that only gets better. If she is growing in faith, fearlessness, gentleness, holy submission, and compassion, make it a point to praise these ornaments. The fruit of the Spirit has a sweetness that will never sour. Dwell on her godly character and attach your heart to it! Ask the Lord to give you eyes to behold true beauty. Beg him to give you grace to truly appreciate the grace he has given her. Make it top priority to value, treasure, and be drawn to her godly character. Her inner heart is a gorgeous glimpse of God.
Outward beauty is wonderfully fleeting. As she gets older, every wrinkle will help accent the eternal radiance found in her heart. And the best kept secret is, the more you cultivate an attraction for her godly character, it is likely the more fruit she will produce. Do not miss out on enjoying the realities that will never perish.
Remember, remind her that she is made in the image of God and then encourage her to continue looking more like Christ in godly character.
Look hard and love her invisible pearls. They are formed perfectly by the oyster of the gospel.
Dear Young Engaged Man,
You have a completely legitimate question: “Should Christian couples kiss before marriage?”
All cards on the table: I believe kissing should be saved only for your spouse. My philosophy on the subject might seem radical, but let that be attractive rather than repelling. After all, Jesus said the way to life is narrow and few would find it.
I suggest refraining from kissing until you say your vows. Now if you find yourself agreeing with me, do not to make these things law. Instead, be convinced in your own mind and strive to display your pleasure in purity for the glory of Christ. Let me try to convince you briefly.
- I’ve never met anyone who regretted this decision. However, I’ve met many couples who wished they had saved more for their marriage.
- Kissing shows commitment. A kiss is a special sign of deep friendship. Consider Psalm 2:12, “Kiss the Son lest he be angry with you.” Jesus wants you to kiss him before He comes. This passage communicates what everyone knows deep down- A kiss is not “just a kiss”. Jesus wants exclusive devotion, submission and love. In my opinion, kissing communicates special covenantal language. This is what makes a “holy kiss” greeting holy, and what makes a Judas betrayal so wicked.
- Kissing is like jumping out of an airplane. It starts the thrill of skydiving. You can pull a parachute, but you’ve started the descent and its very hard to turn back. To begin every time and then stop half way is going against the laws of gravity.
- I want to maximize my pleasure. I’m the guy who thinks it is exciting to save dessert for last. The same applies here.
- We want to do everything possible to “present our brides to ourselves in splendor without spot or wrinkle or blemish.” (Ephesians 5:27) Not one wrinkle should be found. Not even a single blemish on the garment of purity. Refrain from kissing will help accomplish this and lessen the pressure of temptation.
- There is something exciting about cheering when a groom kisses his long awaited bride.
- I will cheer for you regardless of what you decide but I think your heart will cheer louder if the kiss has been treasured by patience.
I lay these things before you for your consideration. Talk about these things and let me know what you decide.
And remember, it is never too late to redeem something.
The content for this post has been updated and expanded in Letters to a Romantic: On Dating which will be released in 2017 by P&R Publishing.
Dear Young Engaged Man,
I was reading in Colossians 3 and verse 9, stuck out to me. Paul specifically warns us “not to be harsh with our wives.” This means that Paul noticed men have a tendency to be gruff.
What is the opposite of harshness? Gentleness
Do not fall into the self righteous pit of “Well, she is just so sensitive and anything I say will hurt her feelings.” I’ve found that when a guy says this, it is really because he doesn’t want to work at adjusting his tone or bridling his tongue. It’s easier to pass the blame than to pick up a bloody cross. In fact, some guys justify their gruffness by thinking they are helping their wives not be as sensitive. The Bible does not permit this.
“The fruit of the Spirit is…. gentleness.” (Galatians 5:23)
“If anyone is caught in sin, you who are spiritual should restore him with a spirit of gentleness.” (Galatians 6:1)
“Correct your opponents with a spirit of gentleness.” (1 Timothy 2:5)
If we are to correct our opponents with gentleness, certainly our wives should receive double grace!
Harshness closes the door of a woman’s heart. It can clog the channel of communication and that is a prime place for bitterness to fester. When we are gentle, our wives will want to share their lives with us. Gentleness is winsome. Gentleness is supernatural. Gentleness is godly. Gentleness is a gift to your spouse.
How can we be gentle? It starts by going deep into the gospel. Jesus did not throw us roughly into the cage of salvation. Instead he pursued us with his loving kindness and like a shepherd lead us into freedom.
If we are prone to harshness then we want to catch this on the front end. Let us be overwhelmed by the gentle grace of God.
Let us be gentlemen.
Dear Young Engaged Man,
Thank you for telling me about your first quarrel as an engaged couple. Isn’t it ironic that it was over something so small? I know it did not seem small in the heat of the moment, but after things cool down you realize that it is often the smallest coals which can often burn the hottest and longest. Brother, I wish you were alone in this struggle.
A helpful question to ask is why did you quarrel?
The book of James says that we fight because our pleasures are at war inside of us (James 4:1-4). I believe this is attributed to trying to find our pleasure in ourselves rather than in God by serving each other. We have our “passions”, as the ESV translates it, and these passions are driven by the things we want but don’t have. We want so we fight to get it.
Now you might wonder how selfishness can be at the root of quarreling. But ask yourself this question, “If I was thinking about how I could serve her, would I have gotten so frustrated?”
When I am looking for an opportunity to be patient with my fiancée, it is hard to get frustrated. When I am looking for an opportunity to be gentle, I am slow to anger.
I must pray through Galatians 5:22-23. And when I do, I usually find that I am the cause for quarreling rather than her.
Try praying through the fruits of the Spirit this week and please keep me posted on your conversations. I will be praying for you.
Dear Young Engaged Man,
Do not be tricked into thinking that your real spiritual life begins the day of your wedding. I know this may sound bizarre when I vocalize it, but the thought may have already sneaked into your subconscious.
You might unknowingly believe the lie that you will be super spiritual after you married. You may be deceived into thinking that your big sins now will simply become small sins later. You may be delusional and find yourself fantasizing about spiritual heights in your marriage simply because you are married. Marriage is not a magic wand for making sin disappear. The reality is that spiritual maturity is hard work that begins now. Set spiritual goals for your marriage and desire to be the spiritual head of your family. But if you are not pursuing these goals now, do not expect the marriage vows to be a five hour spiritual energy drink.
Your spiritual maturity in marriage begins by pursuing Jesus now. Do not wait until she walks down the aisle. You should be on your knees at the alter seeking the face of the Lord long before that day. Pursue Him before you pursue her.
I am convicted as I write this to you. So let us run the race now. Looking unto Jesus the author and the finisher of our faith.
In in less than 100 days, I’m going to marry the love of my life: Jennifer Whiteaker. Last year for Valentines Day I wrote out the top 25 reasons why I was attracted to Jennifer Whiteaker. Every day leading up to Valentines Day I would hide an envelope with one reason written in it. I would let her discover a new one each day.
Jennifer is the embodiment of the Proverbs 31 woman and I can say that a mere 25 reasons does not do her justice. She is my precious treasure and I am looking forward to spending the rest of my days with her. If she knew I was posting this, she would want me to say that the only reason I am attracted to her is because of Jesus. To which I would respond, “See, now there are 26 reasons.”
- You hold me loosely.
- His name and renown is the desire of your soul
- You humbly submit to your Savior.
- You become less and He becomes more.
- You receive the rain of the Spirit and He adorns your soul with beautiful blossoms
- Proverbs 31:14
- The Word of Christ dwells in you richly
- You laugh loud and are serious about service
- You become undignified in your worship
- Adventure is your middle name
- Your beautiful brown eyes let me see your precious heart
- You dress like a daughter of God
- You look out for those who have not been noticed
- The teaching of kindness is on your lips
- You fear God and not man’s opinion.
- You are a visible picture of Jesus’ words “blessed are the meek”
- You repent of sin when convicted.
- You hate evil and love good.
- Your songs flow from a gospel filled heart.
- You give knowing your possessions are in heaven.
- You splash your surrounding with spontaneous expressions of glee
- Encouragement is the bread you bake
- Your eye lashes flutter like the flowing wings of a pure feathered flamingo.
- You boldly approach the throne of God in prayer.
- You find your identity and worth in the gospel.