Dear Young Engaged Man,
You would not believe the ridiculous stories I have heard. Young couples are arguing over absurd and trite issues. There are couples receiving marriage counseling over where their furniture should be positioned in their home. These things ought not be.
But before we cast the first cushion at the sofa sinners, let us examine our own hearts. We are not far from ruining everything. Sin is deceitful and literally insane. We must be watchful that we do not find ourselves quarreling over insignificant matters. If it is small, sweep it under the sofa.
Let her pick out the colors of the wedding. Let her outline the ceremony the way she desires. Purpose now in your heart to relinquish any of your cultural idols for her sake. If you start now, you will love your wife better in the future. You will be happy to let her organize the cabinets according to how she was raised.
Does this stab at your manhood or belittle your headship? Do not be so proud. May we learn to let go of the petty things in this life. The Bible demands even more:
“To have lawsuits at all with one another is already a defeat for you. Why not rather suffer wrong? Why not rather be defrauded? But you yourselves wrong and defraud – even your own brothers!” (1 Corinthians 6:7-8)
If you should stay out of court with your brother and instead take a monetary hit and a social loss, how much more should you allow your fiancée to have her preferences?
Do not do these things for her as a “favor”. Nor view her as needy or in need of sympathy. This is not about her needs or your needs. This is about our need to love like Jesus. Beware of the back scratching heart. Do not scratch her back so that she will scratch yours. Jesus did not bear the cross on his back in order that we would coddle him later. His love had no alterior motive and neither should ours.
A true leader genuinely considers the interests of others better than himself. Let us strive to be like Christ. May God give you grace to love her by letting go of petty preferences.
Dear Young Engaged Man,
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes sex.
I am frustrated by most churches who neglect this topic and do the body of Christ great harm. Simultaneously, I am frustrated with other churches who are explicit with sex and talk about it in very unhelpful ways; nevertheless, Jesus wants Christians to think biblically about this topic. Many things could be said here but I want to focus on the attitude that should shape the way we view sex.
The gospel has no bounds and is not privy to categories of “public” or “private.” Jesus is the God of the living room and of the bed room. God will not let you be selfish in any area, including your most intimate endeavors. Our sex drive should be selfless. Your pleasure must be rooted in God and in bringing your spouse pleasure.
On your wedding night and then every night after, your mind should be that of Christ Jesus, who, although being in the form of God did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking on the very nature of a servant (Philippians 2:5-7). Before lying down in bed with your wife, you must be willing to lay your life down for her. We need the grace of Jesus to do this.
The Christian must not do anything out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. The marriage bed must remain undefiled by lust and selfishness. This is why only Christians can have truly satisfying sex. Only the Christian couple can find their delight in selfless service. It is only the Christian husband or wife who can satisfy both their body and heart in the marriage bed.
Remember to love your neighbor as yourself, especially the one who will sleep next to you. Settle it in your heart now to make your marital bliss complete by being selfless. Purpose to do whatever you do, whether you eat, drink, or have sex, to do it all for the glory of God.
Dear Young Engaged Man,
“Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor.” 1 Corinthians 10:24
As my wedding approached, the amount of generosity my friends and family showed my wife and I was overwhelming. You would not believe some of the stories: A couple of my friends came over one evening to cook for me while another friend feverishly moved my fiancées possessions into our future home; other friends poured out the love of Christ by addressing wedding invitations, wrapping party favors, and compiling power points; parents shopped for us, planned for us, and provided for us all along the way. Every hole was patched and every loose end was tied by the love and affection of our neighbors. I cannot tell you of all the instances of kindness we experienced.
The climax of this relentless hospitality was during the few days before the ceremony. Over and over again the words “what can I do next?” graciously found their way to us. Some did not even ask because they had already thought of projects to tackle.
A wedding is truly a community event. Our brothers and sisters washed our feet with joyful smiles and reflected a deep love for Christ and His bride.
What is hospitality? Jeff Dalrymple often summarizes hospitality as anticipating the needs of others. This is an excellent definition. Anticipating the needs of others and joyfully meeting them for the glory of Christ. What separates secular hospitality from Christian hospitality? Genuine joy. Our wedding party exhibited a deep fountain in Jesus which overflowed into the basins where they placed our feet. Our family had their finger on our pulses to continually check our needs and meet them. Their example is a letter about hospitality that continues to be circulated.
May we emulate them as they emulate Christ.
Dear Young Engaged Man,
When the time comes for you to stand before your bride and say your vows, a mix of emotions will flood your soul. The exchange of vows is a weighty thrill. You are thrilled by your deep love for her and the weight of your promise is sobering. The line in your vows that perhaps carries the most weight is “Till death do us part.” Not many couples realize the significance of this short phrase.
If you say this phrase, you will be committing to never leave nor forsake your bride until the day you breathe your last. You will be committing to be a one woman man until you behold Jesus face to face.
Be warned. The promise is not “Till adultery do us part.” Nor is it “Till abandonment do us part.”
I am convinced that the Bible teaches believers should not divorce under any circumstances. We can discuss that later if you like, but even if you disagree, I plead with you to discard any “parachute cord” from your marriage. Remove from your mind all reasons for divorce and live as Christ does with his bride. Irrevocably committed.
Christ will never leave nor forsake his bride, even when we commit adultery against him. Christ will never abandon his wife, even when we abandon our first love. The vows are weighty and before a holy God. Our “yes” must be “yes” and our “no” be “no”. Heath Lambert helped me realize the seriousness of the wedding vows. He has pointed out that if you are going to hold to legitimate exceptions for divorce in your marriage, then you must include them in your vows or completely leave off the phrase “Till death do us part.” You can’t have your exception and eat it too.
Ephesians chapter five calls us to love our wife as Jesus loves us. Make a fundamental commitment to never separate what God joins together. (Mark 10:9) God calls you to be a Hosea even if you marry a Gomer.
I am praying for you as you prepare for the weighty thrill of covenanting together with your bride. May your marriage oaths be true until either you or the heavens and earth pass away.
Here is my guess: she struggles with insecurity about her physical beauty and you struggle with dwelling too much on her physical beauty. She doesn’t think her outward appearance is enough and you have thought about it enough.
How do you help her realize she has value and how do you balance out your thoughts to think purely?
- Remind her that she is beautiful because she is made in the image of God.
Before brushing over this, we must let this reality sink in. God does not make trash. If you scoff at his art, you insult him. This truth is not just a nice saying to make unattractive people feel better about themselves. God says he created man in his image and this reality is not to become trite in our minds. There is a real, holy, stunning level in which your fiancee is unwaveringly beautiful because she reflects God. Even if she is marred by third degree burns or ransacked by acne, this reality does not move. Every day her image pours forth speech of the handiwork of God. Christ has made a personal claim regarding the incredible crafting of his creation.
- Remind yourself of the hidden image of God made possible in Christ.
It is good to tell your fiancee that she is pretty, but do not miss out on the thrill of praising her hidden person. Physical appearance is fleeting but there is an imperishable beauty that only gets better. If she is growing in faith, fearlessness, gentleness, holy submission, and compassion, make it a point to praise these ornaments. The fruit of the Spirit has a sweetness that will never sour. Dwell on her godly character and attach your heart to it! Ask the Lord to give you eyes to behold true beauty. Beg him to give you grace to truly appreciate the grace he has given her. Make it top priority to value, treasure, and be drawn to her godly character. Her inner heart is a gorgeous glimpse of God.
Outward beauty is wonderfully fleeting. As she gets older, every wrinkle will help accent the eternal radiance found in her heart. And the best kept secret is, the more you cultivate an attraction for her godly character, it is likely the more fruit she will produce. Do not miss out on enjoying the realities that will never perish.
Remember, remind her that she is made in the image of God and then encourage her to continue looking more like Christ in godly character.
Look hard and love her invisible pearls. They are formed perfectly by the oyster of the gospel.
Dear Young Engaged Man,
You have a completely legitimate question: “Should Christian couples kiss before marriage?”
All cards on the table: I believe kissing should be saved only for your spouse. My philosophy on the subject might seem radical, but let that be attractive rather than repelling. After all, Jesus said the way to life is narrow and few would find it.
I suggest refraining from kissing until you say your vows. Now if you find yourself agreeing with me, do not to make these things law. Instead, be convinced in your own mind and strive to display your pleasure in purity for the glory of Christ. Let me try to convince you briefly.
- I’ve never met anyone who regretted this decision. However, I’ve met many couples who wished they had saved more for their marriage.
- Kissing shows commitment. A kiss is a special sign of deep friendship. Consider Psalm 2:12, “Kiss the Son lest he be angry with you.” Jesus wants you to kiss him before He comes. This passage communicates what everyone knows deep down- A kiss is not “just a kiss”. Jesus wants exclusive devotion, submission and love. In my opinion, kissing communicates special covenantal language. This is what makes a “holy kiss” greeting holy, and what makes a Judas betrayal so wicked.
- Kissing is like jumping out of an airplane. It starts the thrill of skydiving. You can pull a parachute, but you’ve started the descent and its very hard to turn back. To begin every time and then stop half way is going against the laws of gravity.
- I want to maximize my pleasure. I’m the guy who thinks it is exciting to save dessert for last. The same applies here.
- We want to do everything possible to “present our brides to ourselves in splendor without spot or wrinkle or blemish.” (Ephesians 5:27) Not one wrinkle should be found. Not even a single blemish on the garment of purity. Refrain from kissing will help accomplish this and lessen the pressure of temptation.
- There is something exciting about cheering when a groom kisses his long awaited bride.
- I will cheer for you regardless of what you decide but I think your heart will cheer louder if the kiss has been treasured by patience.
I lay these things before you for your consideration. Talk about these things and let me know what you decide.
And remember, it is never too late to redeem something.
The content for this post has been updated and expanded in Letters to a Romantic: On Dating which will be released in 2017 by P&R Publishing.